The Onion [Archive]

Opinion: Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia
In Focus: Morning After Morning After Pill Re-Impregnates Guilt-Ridden Women
Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference
Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case
Sports: Gary Sheffield Joins 230 Untainted Home Run Club
Sports: Deriba Merga Dedicates Boston Marathon Victory To Pit Crew
Sports: First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier
[audio] Unbelievably Cool Group From High School Still Unbelievably Cool
[video] Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About
In Focus: Making Your Block Greener
Venus Day 2009: 10 Things You Can Do To Help Rid The Atmosphere Of Noxious, Flesh-Bur
Stupid Man Overshadowed By Louder Stupid Man
Spam A Global Warming Issue
God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church
[audio] Unemployed Coroner Opens Autopsy Stand
In Focus: Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant
Boeing Unveils 40,000-Foot Emergency Slide
Slideshow: Simple Tips For A Greener House
Opinion: Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave
In Focus: Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts
Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line
Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese
Sports: Wade Phillips Excited About Upcoming NFL Giraffe
In Focus: Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary
[audio] Hypothermic Stripper Nearly Dies Inside Ice-Cream Cake
Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf'
Sports: Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf
Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession
New York Times 'Faces Of The Dead' Editor Just Needs A Couple More To Fill Out Corner
Biden Quietly Singing Pearl Jam's 'Even Flow' During Security Briefing
[audio] Area Showoff Sets Sights On Hula Hoop
Sports: This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again
Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.
[audio] Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead
Last Few Republican Senators Form Roman Tortoise
Slideshow: The Week In Review
[audio] Misogynist Gets Laid
Sports: Shaq To Guest Referee Game 1 Of Eastern Conference Championship
G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse
In Focus: CDC Powerless To Stop Spread Of Virulent Mayonnaise-Borne Pathogen
FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency
Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities
In Focus: KFC Introduces New Bird-Flu Dipping Vaccine
[video] Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show
[audio] Obama Maintains Cool Demeanor While Reading End Of 'Old Yeller' To Schoolkids
Sports: Outfielders Take Knee, Infielders Move Up In New 'Jason Varitek Shift'
Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately
In Focus: Millions and Millions Dead
Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.
Opinion: What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights?
Auction Won By Crab With 20 Stuck In Claw
Auction Won By Crab With 20 Stuck In Claw
In Focus: Frustrated FCC Unable To Stop Use Of Word 'Friggin''
Craigslist Server Contracts HPV
[audio] Jetliner Briefly Passes Through Heaven
Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers
'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer
[video] Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
In Focus: Report: Your Favorite Player Took Steroids
In Focus: Jude Law's First 100 Days As People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive
[audio] Stunned Supporter Finally Leaves McCain Victory Party
Sports: Retired Big Brown Given ESPN Commentator Position
Sports: Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jone
Sports: Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden
Specter Switches Sides
New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts
Opinion: If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where
In Focus: Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic
In Focus: Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup
For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa
The 10 Finalists Of Our Annual "Send Us 65" Contest
[audio] Kidnappers Running Out Of Fingers To Send
Sports: NBA To Introduce Last-Second Shot Clock
Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'
Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71
In Focus: Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year
In Focus: Mexicans Sweeping The Nation
[audio] Rookie Defense Attorney Takes Overruled Objection Personally
Sports: Stat-Minded Player Recalculating VORP Before Every At Bat
Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship
In Focus: Casual Friday Claims Lives Of 13 Nuclear-Waste-Disposal Technicians
Rene Zellweger No Longer Rene Zellweger Type
[audio] Mrs. Butterworth Scientists Engineer More Absorbent Pancake
Slideshow: The Week In Review
[audio] Cat Given Benefit Of Doubt Again
Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again
Sports: Harness Racing Movie Contends Life Is Like Harness Racing
8.5 Of Young Video Gamers Addicted
Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic
In Focus: Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer
[video] Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
In Focus: No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen
[audio] Yellowstone National Park Hires Plumber To Fix Clogged Geyser
Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B
Sports: Disease Hoping To Be Named After Ballplayer
China Quarantines Mexicans
Ex-Con Back Behind Bar
Opinion: Kids, Your Mother And I Are Getting Divorced When You Least Expect It
In Focus: What Wouldn't We Mind Right Now?
Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway
[audio] Grown-Up Ferris Bueller Charms His Way Out Of Paying Child Support
In Focus: Vigilante Cop Acts As Judge, Jury, Prosecuting Attorney, Bailiff, Stenograp
12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson
Men's Health Department Proposed
In Focus: Green-Conscious GE Develops Hybrid Lightbulb
[video] Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
[audio] Police Detective Subjects His Own Faith In God To Rough Questioning
Sports: Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games
Sports: New Book Alleges There Was One Day When A-Rod Didn't Take Steroids
Sun Goes Out For A Few Seconds
Sports: Michael Vick Regrets Wearing Dog-Skin Coat To Meet With Goodell
Newest Kindle May Change Textbook Market
Opinion: Hey, Dave, Do You Know A Jack Spencer?
In Focus: Afghan Warlord Takes Anderson Cooper As 43rd Wife
Alan Klemke: The First 100 Days
[audio] Former Movie Star Remains Comatose Following Career-Reviving Car Crash
Michael Savage Banned From Britain
Sports: Tim Duncan Begins Summer Job At Apple Genius Bar
Slideshow: Film Television
Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel
Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay
In Focus: Top Summer Jobs
Mainstream Media At It Again, Bloggers Report
In Focus: Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise
[audio] Selfish Scientists Won't Share New Findings
Sports: Royals Unable To Find Themselves In Standings
Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College
[audio] Cult Leader Wants To Lead More Normal People To Their Deaths
Area Bird Creeped Out By Bird Watcher
In Focus: Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated
Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute
Sports: Cute Kid Given Foul Ball Actually A Little Shit
In Focus: Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers
Slideshow: The Week In Review
Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook
NASA Running Out Of Fuel
[audio] Pacific Island Volcano Erupts With Force Of 300 Vin Diesels
[video] Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
[audio] Those Damn Bluegrass Players At It Again
Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated
Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears
Sports: Cash-Strapped Indy 500 To Charge Dollar-A-Lap Toll
In Focus: Dunkin' DonutsBaskin RobbinsPizza HutTaco BellLong John Silver's Opens
Opinion: There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin
RC Car Works Up Courage To Approach Group Of Girls
In Focus: Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'
Slideshow: Class In America
Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum
[audio] U.S. Interstate System To Create One Massive Rest Area
Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market
Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away
In Focus: Intel Unveils Oversized Novelty Processor
[video] Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing
[audio] College Student Gradually Becomes Townie
Sports: Startled Glen Davis Retracts Head Into Body
Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening
Sports: Brett Favre Mails Arm To Vikings
Sports: Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?'
Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage
Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site
In Focus: Hummel Space Telescope Seeks Out, Photographs Collectible Space Phenomena
Israeli PM Debuts New Road Map For Continued Strife
In Focus: Nancy Pelosi Wants Congress To Want To Pass Bill
Who Dumped Who? Or Is It Whom? 10 Common Grammar Mistakes
In Focus: Mom-And-Pop Loan Sharks Being Driven Out By Big Credit-Card Companies
[audio] Space Station Crew Members Deny Throwing Things At Sweden
Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads
Sports: Ron Artest Tells Reporters He Lives For The NBA Finals, Coconut Shrimp
Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe
Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years
In Focus: Camping Tips
[audio] Auto Dealer Saving All The Good Cars For Himself
Sports: Gwendolyn Monroe Mourns Death Of Ex-Husband Dom DiMaggio
Area Mom, Jerry To Wed
Judge Pumps Self Up Before Verdict By Listening To Andrew W.K.
[audio] Paranoid Optimist Just Knows Someone Is Out To Get Him A Present
In Focus: Inspirational Disabled Horse Crosses Preakness Finish Line After 11 Hours
Slideshow: The Week In Review
[audio] New 26-Foot Micro Marathon Hailed As Future of Running
Sports: Bill Laimbeer Reverently Elbows Chuck Daly's Coffin Into Grave
Department Of Labor Spends 40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job
Cow Genome Outlined
In Focus: Earthquake Safety Tips
Area Woman Worried She's Forgetting What Heath Ledger Looked Like
In Focus: Earthquake Safety Tips
[video] Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
[audio] President Obama Vetoes Mutant Registration Act
Economy Has Bottomed Out
Sports: Steelers Jersey Worn To Pirates Game
New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish
In Focus: Area Family Likes Car So Much They Live In It
Opinion: I Realize I Haven't Been The World's Best Star Of 'Criminal Minds' Lately
Unusually Level-Headed, Charismatic Lichen Species Named After Obama
In Focus: Guantanamo Detainees' Complaints
Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans
[audio] CIA Game Of Capture The Flag Inadvertently Overthrows Venezuelan President Hu
Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic
[audio] CIA Capture The Flag Game Inadvertently Overthrows President Hugo Chavez
Monument Designer To See If Some Other Country Wants To Buy Rejected War Memorial
In Focus: Athletes In Trouble With The Law
[video] NHL Eliminates Sticks, Expands Goal Zone To Encourage More Touchdowns
[audio] Marijuana Legalized 2 Days After Advocates Put On Neckties
[video] NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line
Allen Settles With American Apparel
Sports: Celtics: 'That Was A Reasonable Amount Of Time To Be In The Playoffs'
Sports: Chauncy Billups Exploits Screen-Wraparound Glitch
Sports: Preakness-Winning Filly An Inspiration To Women Who Want To Win Preakness
Senior Prank Somehow Leaves High School With Increased Math Funding
Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By!
Guantnamo Detainee Ruled Not Mentally Fit To Testify About Psychological Torture
In Focus: Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O
How Princess Diana Would Be Staying Fit At 47
[audio] New Strain Of Alan Starzinski Flu Traced Back To Alan Starzinski
New Netpix Service Sends Unlimited Photographs For Monthly Fee
Senior Center Restocks On Rum Raisin Ice Cream
Guantnamo Closure Delayed
Sports: Struggling 'Pittsburgh Post-Gazette' Asks Sidney Crosby To Cover Penguin Play
In Focus: What Are We Getting Too Old For?
[audio] Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule
Sports: Magic Game Plan To Out-Basketball Cavaliers
Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band
Man Escapes Eritrean Civil War To Clean Martini Puke From Back Of Taxi
[audio] Run-Down Amusement Park Owner Now Lives Out Of Bumper Car
Slideshow: The Week In Review
[audio] Nation Gears Up For Annual Carny Migration
Sports: MLB Adjusts Drug Policy To Allow David Ortiz To Take Steroids
Report: Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabiliti
Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica
[video] Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea
Supreme Court Justice Application Asks For 3 Sample Opinions
In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night
[video] Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
[audio] New DNA Evidence Forces Investigators To Reopen Nancy Drew Mystery
Mildfires Amble Through California
Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication
Sports: Nation Refuses To Get To Know Hedo Turkoglu
Opinion: You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's E
In Focus: Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial
Obama Addresses Nation Still Wearing Spock Ears
KFC No Longer Permitted To Use Word 'Eat' In Advertisements
[audio] Record Number Of Americans Settling For Sex At Home
Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22
Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated
In Focus: Dog Doesn't Realize He Just Graduated
[audio] Maker Of Dixie Cups Debuts New Line Of Paper Cookware
Obama Announces Justice Nominee
Sports: John Daly Honors Amy Mickelson By Wearing Pink Sports Bra
Sports: Investigators: Increasingly Likely That James Harrison Bit Own Son
Sports: Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip'